The Shadow Side

The Shadow Side Of Intimate Relationships: What's Going On Behind the Scenes

ISBN: 978-1-880823-22-5

Our newest book was released in July, 2000. The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships: What's Going On Behind the Scenes is an up-to-date compilation of what we have learned about couples and how they relate to each other. It takes a very real look at intimate relationship and what is occurring beneath each partner's surface awareness when unnourishing patterns of behavior get locked into place. It sheds light on aspects of ourselves we seldom recognize or want to confront and takes the view that we must become more aware of ourselves, at deeper levels, if we want to experience an authentic, enduring love. This book augments and is intended to replace our first book, Dancing In The Dark.

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The reviews have been very positive:

"Doug and Naomi Moseley are experts when it comes to the underbelly (shadow side) of relationships. This book is a must-read for folks who desire a deeper understanding of marriage dynamics."

John Bradshaw, Ph.D., author of Bradshaw On: The Family; Family Secrets; and others

" A real book for real people who are lost in power struggle and want to find their way to love and passion in marriage."

John Gray, Ph.D., author of the Mars/Venus books

"The authors have managed to integrate deep psychological information into a down-to-earth, workable model. This book is a must-read for individuals, couples, and helping professionals."

Pat Love, Ed.D. Past President, International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, Co-author, Hot Monogamy

"Terrific! A great leap forward in the process of personal development through relationship. Very highly recommended."

W. Brugh Joy, M.D., F.A.C.P., author of Joy's Way, Avalanche

"... an invaluable resource for understanding the full range of life's most rigorous spiritual practice: the art and craft of relationship. This book gives a realistic and inspiring view of how enriching and challenging an authentic, intimate relationship can be."

Angeles Arrien, Ph.D., cultural anthropologist, author of The Four Fold Way, Signs of Life

"...a gem well worth owning."

Krysta Kavenaugh, Editor in Chief, Marriage Magazine

"[TSSofIR] .... is about the shadow side of intimacy and how relationships really are, as opposed to an idealized version of how they ought to be. The Moseleys studied relationship patterns and looked at the aspects of intimacy that most of us do not have the courage to confront with one another - selfishness, greed, arrogance, pride, power, control. I learned many practical ideas for changing the universal patterns that plague relationships. This is the type of information I was never taught in school."

Jon Carlson, Psy.D., Ed.D., ABPP, President, International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors, Distinguished Professor, Governors State University

"I highly recommend this amazing book. The Moseleys' concepts are new and revolutionary."

Jane Drew, Ph.D., author, Where Were You When I Needed You, Dad?"

Our own comments on The Shadow Side Of Intimate Relationships:

A clear and honest look at the complexities of relationship:

Every book is to some degree autobiographical; you write from the place you know. In the earlier part of our marriage, most things worked most of the time, but once in a while, major challenges would pop up. For example, we could find ourselves playing out certain roles, like mother, father, daughter and son as opposed to man and woman. At times we found ourselves acting out patterns of behavior which were not satisfying to either of us but were seemingly impossible to stop once they were in motion. Instead of locating, expressing and receiving feelings, we would find ourselves pointing the blaming finger at the other (well-entrenched of course behind our respective defensive walls). Instead of love we would be feeling anger, sometimes even hate. Even worse than all that, sometimes we could find ourselves in total indifference toward each other.

At the same time we were two very determined individuals. We struggled very hard to get to the roots of our unnourishing roles and behavior patterns. After a lot of (sometimes painful) personal exploration we found we could significantly reduce the "down time." Using what we learned in our own relationship, we began to counsel other couples. After many hundreds of therapy sessions, we began to link the common threads and see similar behaviors occurring across the board. We realized that every marriage (every marriage where the participants are being honest with each other) goes through difficult experiences, with each partner under-equipped in terms of awareness and know-how. As we improved on our understanding we discovered we could help others by teaching our models. Eventually that led to the material in The Shadow Side of Intimate Relationships.

Most of the self-help books in this market tend to focus on an idealized vision of how relationships ought to be. We wanted to write a book that had the courage to look at how things really go, and include compelling descriptions of the darker places in both partners - descriptions that were so vivid that individuals couldn't help seeing themselves. The reason for this directness is that we must first know where we are, warts and all, before we can authentically get to where we want to be. In order to sustain a more fulfilling experience with each other, partners need to recognize their own difficult contributions to any given situation and take responsibility for shifting. In our counseling practice we have found that couples who have the courage to do this kind of personal exploration often make amazing breakthroughs to more passionate and fulfilling relating. It truly is soul work.

We also wanted to write a book that brings forward new ideas on every page and also takes the material deeper in every chapter. The net result is a book that has a very strong appeal to those who are devoted to awareness and personal growth (in fact, we have found that The Shadow Side Of Intimate Relationships is very popular with therapists). If you are hungry for a more fulfilling relationship and have a desire to grow as an individual, you won't be sorry you picked up this book.


You can order through, your local bookstore, or by contacting us at [email protected]. Cost through us is $17.25, which includes postage. Check or Visa/MC accepted.